Friday, May 11, 2012

Gotta Live Like we're Dying

Well my friends and blog readers. Today was a hard day for me. I don't know if there is some crazy energy going on (which I was told their was) or what but yes, today was hard. I mean, I was "happy" today and it was sunny out and I really had nothing to complain about. But you know how no matter HOW awesome the day is going you're still just in a funk (yes even I, Calan, get in a funk). I really don't like being in this energy and I tried to shift out of it all day but it still lingered even at my highest today. I finally decided that it was ok, because everything on your journey is important and teaches you something. So today I let myself be down, sad and less than my regular happy self. I let myself feel those deep feelings and sat in them. My hope in doing this was because I wanted to know why I was there and I also wanted to experience it to the fullest so I could move past it faster. Let me say this, it's ok to feel whatever you feel in any moment, the universe wont get mad at you. Embrace all moments and feelings as they are, look deep into them and learn from them, find out WHY they are there. Use these as learning moments about yourself. Today I also had to see my ex for the first time since we had our "talk" which was the first time since he had broken up with me. Maybe the energy of the day was preparing me for this meeting. Don't get me wrong, it was good and I really, really, liked seeing him but I guess that's the "learning" I have to do. I'm still in love with him because I wasn't the one who wanted the relationship to end so it still makes it hard to be around him knowing that all I wanted to do was kiss and hug him and be near him. I thought I was doing really well with everything but there is clearly things still left to learn, but there should be, it's just been a month to the date since it happened. I know it's what needed to happen and that everything in my world is divine and happens for a reason, but sometimes I wonder why I chose to have this happen in this life time. It's also selfish for me to think about only wanting to be with him because he needs to go on his journey just as much as I need to go on mine and wanting to be together despite knowing this would just be selfish. Can anyone out there relate? What is one to do when they go though an AMAZING relationship with a person and the reason it ends is because your relationship was go great the other person learns that they still have personal growing to do and want to do it on their own but you're both still clearly in love and enjoy being together? How do you deal with that? I guess to each their own and as long as you learn the lessons that's all life can ask of you but still. I guess this has just been me venting tonight hasn't it? Well sometimes we all need to get it out or we will explode! I like sharing mine because if my story can help someone else's then it's all worth it to me. Only time will tell us our plan and all we can do is be in every moment to the fullest, no matter what that feeling is and feel it with all our heart. Well tomorrow is a new day and I plan on having the BEST day EVER!

Grateful Journal of the day...
I'm grateful for...
1) The flight tickets my ex got me for my flight next week (hence having to see him, which was harder than anticipated)
2) The Vancouver Men's Chorus's opening night going SMASHINGLY tonight!
3) The knowledge I gain every day that betters my life
4) The knowingness that my life is still truly amazing and I am so blessed to be living it
5) Making new friends daily within the choir, I found a really special group of guys and I'm so happy to be apart of the choir

I now leave you with something more uplifting that helps me get out of my funks...